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I can't.. I freaking can't. I've tried. I've looked. I've been optimistic  I've asked my parents a MILLION questions. And I still can't get a FUCKING JOB. My dad pays my freaking tuition off of a crap Principal's salary and still gives me 80 dollars a month to live off of. I couldn't be more grateful for him to do that for me. So to try and take some burdens off of him I'm trying to find a job. I'm trying SO fucking hard but every job I apply for nothing at all comes up. NOTHING. EVERY TIME I get rejected. And having no work experience is really fucking my mouth. I can't even get an on campus job. How freaking sad is that? I'm JUST worthless enough to not even get a job on my freaking college campus. I just want to make my parents stop worrying about me and stop shoving money at me.. They can barely get by and I'm not helping whatsoever. I just want them to not have to worry about if they'll be able to eat or pay their rent. I don't even want the money for selfish reasons. I want it so they won't have to send me any and feel assured that I can eat. But.. Nothing is working. No matter how hard I try. I wanna give up but I can't for my parents sake.. 

I just wish I wasn't so worthless..
I'm back livejournal! Who missed me? ..no one? Thought so. Pft. Who's ready for the obligatory sob post!? I am! Lemme catch you up on whats 's been going on in my life first.

I started my freshman year of college.
There ya go!

Now to present day Imari. 
Today started off well. I decided to be lazy all day do nothing but watch youtube videos in my pjs. CONQUERED THAT!

Then at about 3 all things went to shit. I got hit with the worst case of "you're a piece of shit, you need to die" moments. Out of the fucking blue. I started thinking about how I never come out of my room and do anything, which is a lie because I'm always out with my best friend doing stupid shit and having fun. I guess I feel like I'm not having the full college experience because I'm not really meeting new people like all of the other bajillion people I see. I'm not getting boyfriends or boys interested in me. And that's stupid but I guess I worry about that because I've never had a boyfriend before. I get in at 8 after derping around with my friend then do homework and then sleep at like 12. While my roommate is out late doing crap and coming back late and staying up on the phone. She's more social than me and it kinda bugs me. it also doesn't help me that I'm 40 pounds heavier than all the girls here (they ARE like 100 pounds though, but still) I just feel so unnattractive compare to everyone. I don't like living on campus because I HATE living with a roommate, its not her, I just like my own room. So I am without a doubt living with my friend off camous next year. My mom quit her job because she's tired from workign her entire life so it stresses me out that my dad is putting me through college and THEN my mom for her doctorate even though they say I shouldn't I just can't shake it. I blew through all of my money buying books and food even though I eat free at the dining hall. I don't want to ask my parents for money because it hurts for me to ask them.
I need a job.
I need to balance my work.
I don't need to sleep.
I need to lose weight.

I need to feel better about myself.

i just can't. I can't. And it pisses me off and I don't want to handle it. 

You will think its just because I'm starting a new life but it's not just that. I'm hurting and worrying and being stupid because I don't know how to handle myself.

I'm getting financial aid, I'm getting a job and I'm losing weight. 

Maybe when I get money and skinny enough to fit into cute clothes I'll feel better about myself.


That one.

Kinda just want someone to listen to me.. It's hard being the solid rock everyone can depend on. The ones that use you either don't know you want help too or they know and they just ignore it. But whenever they are in need I'll always be there to wipe away their tears and make them feel like nothing bad will ever happen to them again. 

I wish someone would do the same for me.. Just listen. I don't want any advice or counseling I just want an ear and a heart. It's hard to find a friend like that when you ARE that friend. 

My chest hurts, my eyes burn, I feel like my throat is closing but no one is here to save me..No one is here to wipe away the flowing tears and make me feel like nothing will ever hurt me again.. All I want is to feel worth your time and not that annoying friend every other day. The annoying one that always finds a way to make you laugh, the one that skips class so you can use her shirt as a tissue, the one who wakes up at 3 am to calm you down after a hard night.

The one that listens. And cares.

The one that loves so much it hurts. The one that'll listen even though at that very moment she feels like her world is crashing down on her and is sucking the life out of her.

I just want one. One person willing to stop and come to MY rescue when I can't push it away. One that'll roll the Earth off of my lifeless body and cry with me.

I just want someone to listen to me. So bad. It hurts to think about it.

This is only here because I know no one even knows it exists. But it feels good to let it out :)


So to the maybe one person that reads this please watch this.

Help support the fight to get rid of this man

Do you know him? I'm sure you don't. His name is Joseph Kony and  he is literally the worst man on Earth. On the International Criminals list he is number one for the horrific crimes he commits against innocent children.

He's enslaving children, not adults, CHILDREN in Africa to do the unspeakable. Selling girls into prostitution and taking boys for soldiers only to kill their own parents
while kidnapping other kids and taking them into this world of sorrow and misery. And he's done this for 26 years.

This documentary shows the story of a boy who escaped and is now receiving help from his friend here in America to try and get support and save all the other children still trapped in hell with this man.

And for the last 9 years that's exactly what Invisible Children has been trying to do. Finally after 8 years they have brought in enough support to get the government to send troops to Uganda in hopes of stopping this man. But. It all ends this year.

The government saw that it is most certainly an issue but if they think the people don't care enough they will pull out and these horrible acts will continue to be brought onto these children.

Now. I explained very vaguely what is going on but that's only so you can you can truly see what is happening halfway across the world in this video.

It is 30 minutes but it's the most eye opening 30 minutes you will have this year.

I'm only 17 but I plan to help. Will you?
I must say I absolutely LOVE how much I've grown since I first started posting here like two years ago. I sound so over dramatic! And I thought I was over dramatic when I was 14!

Gah... how I've grown. Anyways I need to write a speech (which is terrible so far) and then memorize it so I can present it tomorrow.

Arashi is way too tempting for me, because they make me neglect the important things in life, like college, sigh...


I changed back to a fourteen year old just for you guys ;)

Have a good rest of the week!


I keep listening to always on Arashi's new album and dang... Riidaa's voice is like pure unadulterated sex. It's like sweet honey UGH! I've always loved Riidaa and his voice but lately its becoming deadly! I'm starting to fall for him! Sho better watch out.

Also I saw that someone posted fanvids of the new concert and I was stuck staring at my screen thinking "should I watch it? Yeah. NO! SAVE RIIDAA'S SEXY ASS FOR THE CONCERT DVD!" But I still want to go back and watch it! I can't hold it back anymore! It's terrible. Damn him and his sexy voice and body and dancing and hair and hands and UGH!

(I love him....)

Oh my gosh! I'm so happy! Finally after so many months the wonderful JE Index is back!
I am complete...
essbeejay scared me~ I just got an email to my phone from fanfiction saying sbj updated More Than Human. Naturally my reaction was "What?! Really?!" but then I realized that it was the chapters I read a couple weeks ago.

Haha oh shenanigans...

I'll be waiting for an update! ;P

Writer's Block: Smells like teen spirit

Are there any scents that invoke childhood memories?

Apple juice! :) it reminds me of my preschool and snack time. Because I used to dunk my graham crackers in my juice and make it soggy and it was delicious. It makes me extra happy.

Make A Stand

Everyone, this is ingenious and if this succeeds we could possibly stop PIPA & SOPA, I know it will be pretty impossible to do for a whole month but even for a week or two it could open the eyes of the government and put an end to this ridiculous bill. Please help. For the sake of the internet.